I remember an incident a couple of years ago during my childhood time. It was a dark moment for me as my surroundings become hazy and unclear. It was the moment of desperation because of what I said to my mother.
I forgot what exactly I have done at the time, but I knew it was something that my mother doesn't like. When in turn, when everything was revealed by my own mouth. It is an expression that I can't forget until now. Expression of disappointment and disgust, coming from the person I really love in this world--my mother for telling something.
A Lie.
It was what grows inside me of the hatred about lies which come from myself or the others.
"Once you told a lie, no one would trust you. And I won't trust you for the rest of my life because of you lying to me."I know it hurts when you get it from someone else. But if it comes from your mother, I feel hollow.
On that occasion, I try to be as honest as I can. Even following the path of Prophet for his trusted words and his title of Al-Amin (The trusted one). I become so obsessed that nothing came out of my moth except truths and how much I show my hatred for lies that were told by the others.
At the fleeting moment, I haven't found out the rule about truth in our society. That is not to reveal everything about it.
As life goes on, I'm having trouble with people who tell lies that builds me awareness and discomfort to the others. I stopped believing every single word that came out of them.
I stopped on trusting someone about my personal things or secrets. I remember how I was treated during my primary school when I got deceived and betrayed by whom I thought was my friends. Therefore I've decided to share anything to them, and just keeping it by myself even for the hardest one.
This is how I grew up: I don't share anything to anyone because I don't trust them.
This what gives me distance to the people around me. Not because I don't like them but because I have less to talk to. As I grew with less chat with my friends, I become some sort of reserved or not that talkative. Thus lead me to the problem of being with my social life.
I want to believe, I want to trust someone. Sometimes keeping it all of myself is really hard to live. I want to share it to someone, I want someone knows and make me feel better because I told them. I want someone to cheer me up, someone who would listen to me, someone who can help me to fnd things out.
So I tried to open up myself and be a good listener. I have to say that I'm trying hard for this. I don't always share anything to anyone, but when I do I'd consider yourself as special or you should think to be one. Every words that were told about me were said heavily, I don't want people to know. But somehow I feel relieve coming from it.
And in exchange, I want to trust them. I want to have a faith in someone else. If there's a person I really want that be, it would be the person that I really love.
But in the end, people never fails to disappoint me.
Yeah, they never fail--even that comes from the one whom you loved..
