That's something you can't really decide. Let life surprises you.After that short conversation, I can't help but wondering what might life would surprises me. I hate the fact that I live such life already, yet she reminds me to keep me surprised. I always thought spending the rest of my life alone would be the best way to live. I had it enough. Enough of such relationship that'd be pointless with hazy future. Enough of being alone when supposedly I should have not. Enough of this feeling when you can't reach someone. I've started to think that loving someone would be just a burden. I've had enough burdens in my life, can't just I set free of this kind of thing? And that's what drives me to take my very first step ahead over her.
To move on.
I have to be honest that I had a blast life ever since that day. I can carry on towards life, college, and be super excited of chasing my dream--to become an airline Pilot. I spend my days normally like any other person. Waking up in the morning, get my breakfast, going to college, and so on until I go to bed again peacefully. It was such a good feeling of letting go of something that sticks with your life. Uncertainty. I remember how deep I can breath after those tearful nights of thinking someone.
You know, when you think of something or someone in a negative way, you feel like the world revolves much much slower. You have got heavy thoughts that make yourself unable to carry your own body. And you'll bring them deep deeper into your sleep. That, in my point of view, is the saddest way of living your life. I hate it.
Being free of such thing really makes me feel alive. Until I realize, that I have no one in this life. It makes you feel empty. It gives you void. It drowns you deep into a bottomless thought of nothingness. It kills you inside, that you might call yourself Heartless.
I've stopped on feeling things. I feel alone when I'm in the middle of my friends. I can feel nothing out of people's kindness. I've stopped seeing what's wrong with people I should be care.
It's like walking towards an endless dark cave with no one around. Leaving far behind people and things outside.
Every night a part of me screams from the bottom of my heart.
Let me be out of here! Pull me out!
But I knew it was useless. That my heart has already been dead.
Dark may it looked like inside, but I can live my life that way normally for other people. And I thought that's what might the best for me.
I remembered that I have confessed to my parents that I am fragile. Those words blurted out of nowhere. Yet it seems true to myself. And I can't have someone with me for being that fragile. Having someone besides me makes me weak. Thus it's better for me, on all out of nothing, not to let things scrapped by once again and fell to the same hole twice. I better live this way I thought.
In the end, I was wrong.
Ahh.. And before you go... I just really wanted to say,, Thank you.. I mean it with all my heart. Thank you nicko.
